Cherry Wine

It’s always waiting for the other shoe to drop. To laugh and love with caution because you might wake up tomorrow and it’ll be the end of the world. Figuratively speaking of course. You might wake up tomorrow and he’ll give you a list of reasons why he wanted to end it. And, just like always, you’ll sit there, hands in your laps or tucked under your thighs, waiting; for all the reasons on where you went wrong. You’ll sit and wait for the ball to drop. You’ll keep waiting for the day, no matter how great things are because you know it’s coming. It’s inevitable. The feeling will linger in all the dark alleys of your over active imagination and it’ll burn holes in your heart, so deep that no amount of kind words and hugs would ever fill it again. The feeling will turn you into them, because that’s the only kind of love you know. The kind that loves with open hands and closed fists, never fixing and always breaking. So, you wait. Because somewhere down the line, somewhere in the last 10 years, you made yourself believe that good things aren’t meant for you.

There is no ending to this. It’s a constant battle.

 

Yours truly,

Painted Shadow

 

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Damned and Forgotten.

I’m far more skeptical than I thought.

I’m sitting here in an empty room

Thinking of reasons why you and I will not work;

Thinking of reasons why I shouldn’t feel this way about you;

Thinking of any reason to stop this.

If it had been any other person

Who didn’t show half the interest you did,

I would have convinced myself to the moon and back

That he was the ideal person for me.

Even if he promised to rip my beating heart out and toss it away for the birds,

Even if he vowed to grip it so tightly until the last thud

Even if he did everything in his power to break my bones

I would have convinced myself that he loved me.

But with you,

My darling, with you,

I seem to be looking for reasons that don’t exist.

I seem to be looking for reasons to tell you no

To push you away

To not be yours.

For you,

I am not convinced.

I am ruined.

I am damned.

 

 

Yours truly

Painted Shadow

 

A Thief in the Night

She stole kisses that were only meant to fall on my lips. She stole hugs from the arms that were designed to hold my trembling body steady. Arms that were meant to fit around me. She stole smiles from him and never considered to pass them to me. I was here, away from him, holding a fragment of his heart in my quivering,sweaty palms, blinking away tears as I wondered if maybe; just maybe, you’d given her the bigger parts of your heart for her to hold?

 

Yours truly,

Painted Shadow

I Wasn’t Expecting That.

And when I love, I will love till the Eskimos huddled together in their igloos hear me pine for you. I will love so fiercely that they will mistake me for a lion. I will love so loudly that you wont be able to hear yourself think. I will shout your name to anyone that will listen and I will confess to them how my veins carry more blood than they should when I’m around you. I will explain with every word in the dictionary; the rush you give me.
To anyone that wont listen, I will show them the kind of love they only see in movies. I will bombard them with kisses from my cherished memories and you, until they can’t breathe and they’re begging me to stop. To anyone that doesn’t believe, I will torment them with pictures of our love until they get sick with jealousy.
And to you, my ever darling love,
To you, I will dance with the grace of a goddess and love you with the strength of ten.
I won’t promise you the sun, moon and stars darling. For I don’t dare to offer you things I’ve no grasp of. I only have my own world to offer you. I will promise you that my whole beating heart that thuds louder and louder as you get closer to me, will be yours. I will promise you all the kisses my lips can ever muster up. I will promise you the biggest bear hug for each time you need one and for each time you don’t.
Yours truly,
Painted Shadow.

There are some things you just don’t know.

You don’t know what its like to love somebody
You don’t know what its like to hold someone in the palm of your hands
And clench your fists so tightly
That it turns your knuckles red
Because god forbid, if you loosen your grip for even an instant
They might just slip out from the rough edges and creases of your palms
You don’t know what its like to love somebody
You don’t know what its like to look at someone’s eyes
And not only see your reflection as they stare back at you
But to feel this massive explosion of so many warm things within your chest
And you can’t even think of the right words to explain it
But you know it feels like the way;
your cheeks heat up after that really good cup of coffee on a cold rainy morning
Or when your stomach is truly and scrumptiously satisfied.
You don’t know what it’s like to love somebody
Before the alcohol sets in
Before you drown out the smell of their skin from your sheets
Before you start scratching at the paint
You don’t know what it’s like to love somebody
To kiss their cheek
And feel relieved
and connected in more ways than one
And in that instant you know, nothing
Not even water has flowed this perfectly before
And it’s nothing like you’ve felt before in your mere years of existence and broken hearts
You know nothing has come close to feeling the way when your lips moved against theirs
It was then that you realized what it’s like to truly feel breathless
And for the briefest moment that your tongues kissed
You knew that this is going to be different.
You don’t know what its like to love somebody like that
You don’t know what its like to feel that way
You don’t know what its like to love somebody
To feel their skin pressed against yours
To smell the faint scent of their cologne on parts of you
Long after they’ve left your side
To stare blankly at walls
Only to realize you spaced out thinking of their nose or their fingers
Or that cute birthmark that they hide from
And you smile;
With the knowledge that no one will have that happiness
as you have at that very moment.
You don’t what its like to love somebody like that 
You don’t know how simple things seem to be then
Like how maths is just made of numbers
And history is written by the victors
And biology is just parts of your body.
Even as the rest of your world seems to come crumbling down
You still clench your fists
Tighter than ever
Because when the time comes to run
You have to be able to run and not let go of this new love
That consumes you
Run with your fists clenched shut
Run till your legs get weak and start trembling
Run till you can’t feel them anymore
Don’t let something that makes your heart beat so fast
And your eyes light up like fireworks
Slip away through those creases and rough edges.
Trust me.
You don’t know what it’s like to love somebody
Who loves you back.
You just don’t.

Yours truly,

Painted Shadow